Seeking Discomfort

Anna McMillon

It was a hot August day in 2017, right before my junior year of high school was about to start. My mother and I were on our way to Walmart to pick up school supplies and everything I might need for the upcoming weeks. With my anxious energy and fear of being overwhelmed, I created a list, a very long one at that. Pencils, notebooks, sharpies, tissues, Band Aids, waters, gum, oranges, anything I could possibly need in case of any emergency.

Knowing school was coming up, I started feeling a lot more stressed and pressured all the time I woke up every morning full of worry for no specific reason. This feeling was so frequent and natural, I just thought it was normal.

We parked the car in the middle of the lot, right by the garden center. I always preferred going in that entrance because there were fewer people, and I could look at the flowers lining the doorway. As we got out of the car, I could already feel my stomach sink. Big groups were entering every door of the store. Everyone was doing their last-minute shopping just like us.

My jaw was clenched I could feel my fingernails pressing hard against the palms of my hands. I tried to slow my breathing, but I couldn’t. My eyes quickly darted in every direction. I started memorizing every exit and the most efficient walking paths to not be an inconvenience to any other shoppers. I tried to calm my nerves with a pep talk to myself. “Just one lap around the store, that’s it, get what you need and get out.”

I felt the color disappearing from my face. My mom knew something was wrong. “Do you want to go home?” She asked. “I can pick this stuff up for you later. You don’t look well.” We had already driven the twenty minutes and I didn’t want to be any more of a bother so I pushed through…until I blacked out.

It was only for a few seconds, and this wasn’t the first time, but it still wasn’t an ideal situation. My mother drove me home immediately. With Gatorade, some soup, and rest, I was good as new or as new can get. There was one thing I knew could calm my nerves and create my happy space. The Yes Theory Channel on Youtube.

Growing up with anxiety has been the biggest burden on my shoulders since I can remember. It was always brushed under the rug as “she’s just shy” or “she’s always been a cry baby”. At one point I didn’t think I would make it to college. I could barely talk on the phone or order a meal at a restaurant. My anxiety would eat my days up and I would let it, until I found an outlet that would change it all.

I had discovered this platform a few weeks before and I instantly became obsessed. Three strangers from different parts of the world came together to create a community of people seeking discomfort by saying yes more often. They’ve explored abandoned cities, met people of many different cultures, pursued bucket lists, and much more. They were everything I aspired to be, confident, friendly, adventurous, and most important they had learned to stop letting their anxiety take over them like I was going through. They used it to their advantage, they overcame their challenges.

Reflecting on it now, this discovery changed me forever. Listening to their stories and advice on how I can change and grow. Watching impactful stories told and seeing people pursue the adventures I dreamed of through travelling, discovering, and just being free. This pushed me to form bonds with people from across the world over social platforms. By nineteen I decided to change my lifestyle completely, to learn who I really am beyond the burdens. I even revived my passion for videography and journalism. I relit my spark beyond the doubts to finally become me.

A little more than one year ago, I realized just how dramatic the personal transformation was.

When Covid hit in 2020, my college did everything possible in the fall semester to try and create as much normalcy as possible. Homecoming week, loved by all students, was our saving grace. The University Programming Council hosted a week full of events to get students out and about, including goat yoga. This being one of my favorite activities on my bucket list, I HAD to go and dragged my roommate with me.

We were waiting for the owners of the goat ranch to get there. Students were spread out among the Iberville green taking pictures and chatting. I noticed one girl on her phone by herself. Al though I admired her courage to come alone, I figured she needed a friend. I asked my roommate whether we should go talk to her. But then I felt my old anxiety building up in my stomach again. The decision bounced back and forth in my mind until I finally realized, why am I letting it stop me? What’s the worst that could happen? This was my turning point. This is when I really learned to accept my anxiety, soothe it, and challenge it. I decided to seek discomfort.

I walked over and sat next to her, six feet apart of course. I introduced myself and she seemed shy but was willing to talk. Once I cracked some jokes and asked the basic questions of college kids, What’s your major? Where are you from? What classification are you? She started to get more and more involved in the conversation. We laughed, we bonded, did yoga, and then parted ways.

When my roommate and I got in the car, we processed it all. “I was so proud of you for going up to her despite the worry you were building up. You looked happy getting to know someone new,” she told me.

Little did I know then just how meaningful that decision would be.

Two years later, a random Thursday night at the beginning of September. My sorority friends and I are at a local restaurant in celebration of our recruitment week being over. I’m looking at the menu until I lock eyes with another girl a few tables down. I instantly recognize her and from the look of joy on her face, she also recognized me. She ran over and engulfed me in a giant hug. “It’s you! Anna! I’m so happy to see you!”

“You were the first friend I ever made in college when I felt alone. You walked up to me so friendly and made my day, week, month, so much better.”

I often get questioned all the time about how I transformed from being a raging ball of stress, to being the outgoing person I am today. When first asked, I always blank, but then this story comes to me.

Today I am a person I never imagined myself being. I make a friend wherever I go, I ask questions in class, I dance when everyone is watching, I never skip an opportunity I know I will regret later. I always reference the motto I live by, to be comfortable is to be stagnant, so we must seek discomfort every day. I’m not saying to go skydiving and cliff jumping necessarily. It’s the small things. Complimenting the boy with cool shoes, dancing with strangers at the concert, trying a new dish at the cafeteria. It’s all progress. My anxiety still exists, some days more than others, but it’s no longer a negative connotation for me, it’s a part of my journey.