In Treatment

Ethan Lachney

Here we go.

I slowly opened my laptop on that cool October afternoon, focusing only on the hum of my fan as it blew gently on my back. I took a long, deep breath. Here we go. I typed the words slowly into search bar, as if trying to slow down time.

BetterHelp.com.

Today I do the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my entire life: talk about all my struggles with a total stranger. I sit firmly in my chair, holding on for dear life. I don’t want to do this.

I press enter. The website appears instantly. I see an image of a man and a child, smiling back at me. I am not these people. This can’t possibly help me. Still, I log in. On my profile, I see the name of my therapist: Dr. Diaz. This is the person I’ll spill my guts to for the next ten months.

It’s time. I take out a small, spiral notebook. I always take notes, even for this. I linger over the connect button with my mouse. With one last breath, click. No going back now.

October 16, 2020

“When school shut down, so did I.”

Dr. Diaz: “And why do you think that is?”

“At first I thought it was just laziness and that I was using it all as an excuse to not do anything.”

“Why would you do that?”

“I don’t really know. Maybe I was just tired. There were so many things I had on my plate up to that point. But then after, I started to feel worse instead of relieved.”

“In what way?”

“Sadder, I guess. Maybe like alone or something. Confused.”

“Have you felt alone often in the past?”

“Like before? Yes. But it was better. Like more manageable, I guess. That’s probably too much to get into today.”

It was always difficult for me to open up about my feelings. I was raised to believe emotions make you weak. Don’t feel. Don’t cry. Through these sessions I had to break down a lot of walls. Some I weren’t ready to let go of. But all of which I needed to in order to heal. And in this session, I cried real tears for the first time in I don’t know how long.

This was my first breakthrough. From this point forward, I became more open to the process.

February 4, 2021

“Tell me more about your relationships.”

“What relationships? Like boyfriends?”

“Just relationships in general I mean. Friends, family. Boyfriends too if you want.”

“I never had a boyfriend or anything. It’s embarrassing to say that.”

“Why?”

“Why have I never had a boyfriend or why am I embarrassed?”

“Both.”

This topic made me the most uncomfortable. I never talked about it before but it’s true. I’ve never been in a real relationship. I continued talking about it because I didn’t really know why that was.

“It’s embarrassing because I’m so afraid of it. I could be in a relationship, but it scares me so much.”

“What scares you? Commitment?”

“No. I think it’s more like being open. I don’t think I could be openly affectionate with someone in public.”

“Is this about how you were raised or because of the nature of the relationship and societal pressure?”

Ouch. That one question hit me harder than anything else she ever said. I was in shock. I took a moment and finally gave an answer:

“Both.”

November 18, 2020

“I had a weird dream last night.”

“Okay. Tell me about it.”

“I was back in school. I was back on track. I was happy.”

“Why do you think that’s weird?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because I feel it might not happen.”

“Do you want it to?”

“Yeah. I really hope it does.”

Today

Dr. Diaz released me from her care on July 19, 2021, after deciding I was ready to face the world on my own. Therapy saved my life in more ways than I could ever list. It’s always good to know that you’re not alone and that it is okay to feel. I now feel more optimistic than I ever have. My dream came true and I’m finally living my life for me.